Neely Young: Things I’ve Learned

I have long enjoyed collecting clever quotes and quips, those one- or two-liners that show a little bit of whimsy and truth.

My wife, Kathy, and I visited the Texas hill country last spring, and I found a few funny sayings on a wall of a restaurant in a little town called Fredericksburg, which is close to Luckenbach, a small town that was made famous in song by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson. Here’s some wisdom from the great state of Texas. I’ve learned:

That your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

That life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

That you should always drink upstream from the herd.

That the North has coffee houses, and the South has Waffle Houses.

That a bumblebee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

That hard work never killed anyone, but we in Texas don’t take any chances.

That words that soak into your ears are whispered … not yelled.

That meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

I’ve learned that you should forgive your enemies: it messes up their heads.

That you should not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

That you should not pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel.

That you should keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.

That 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

That they don’t like lawyers in Texas.

I’ve learned that it doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

That you cannot unsay a cruel or unkind word.

That every path has a few puddles.

That when you wallow with pigs, you should expect to get dirty.

That if you miss someone or something, don’t worry; you can catch them on the “get back.”

I’ve learned you shouldn’t judge folks by their relatives.

That the best sermons are lived, not preached.

That most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never going to happen.

That you should not interfere with something that ain’t bothering you none.

That if you find yourself in a hole, you should stop digging.

That good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

That letting the cat out of the bag is a lot easier than putting it back in.

That the biggest troublemaker you’ll ever deal with watches you in the mirror every morning.

That the North has sun-dried tomatoes; the South has “mater sandwiches.”

That love is grand. Divorce is $100 grand.

I’ve learned that you can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

I’m also a fan of church bulletin bloopers. The following actually appeared in church bulletins, were announced at church services or printed as announcements in local newspapers:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and hear the choir practice.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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